All 26 customers of the England Planet Cup squad and how they are going to individually let us down



The England Earth Cup squad has been named, substantially to the country’s regret. This is how every of them will shame the shirt:

Jordan Pickford So indignant at conceding a late equalizer versus the Usa, his head pretty much pops like a grape.

Nick Pope Compelled into action for the Wales sport, Nick quickly remembers a cracking relatives holiday on a caravan park in Rhyl. His lapse in focus is all Gareth Bale requirements to rating a hat trick.

Aaron Ramsdale Bored by his absence of actively playing time, Aaron commences an illegal Shove Ha’Penny league which fully divides the squad. He wins £1.2 million from Arsenal teammate Ben White.

Trent Alexander-Arnold Spends the match building buzzing noises as a result of blades of grass from the pitch.

Conor Coady To boost workforce morale, the centre-half performs a risqué ventriloquist plan which spectacularly fails to land.

Eric Dier Stands quite shut to an opposition participant at a corner, a move the Qatari police consider ‘gay’. Jailed for everyday living.

Harry Maguire Gets so energized by listening to the Star-Spangled Banner prior to the Usa sport that he sings along like Beyoncé.

Luke Shaw Recalling the excitement of scoring in the Euro 2020 ultimate, Shaw shoots virtually every single time he will get the ball, no matter his posture on the pitch. Statistics fans get a raging boner.

John Stones So employed to profitable with Man City that when England fall behind to Mexico he simply just shuts down like the replicant at the conclusion of Blade Runner,

Kieran Trippier Leaked texts reveals him referring to feasible opponents Holland as ‘clog-sporting canal-shaggers’. Despatched to The Hague for demo.

Kyle Walker Throughout coaching Walker does an overlapping fullback operate at this sort of pace that he bursts out of the facility and starts sprinting round the globe like Forrest Gump.

Ben White Has a punch up with Aaron Ramsdale throughout schooling more than his now £3.2million Shove Ha’Penny personal debt.

Jude Bellingham The Dortmund midfielder speaks German in an interview with the German press, and is right away branded a traitor and photoshopped into a Nazi uniform on the front web page of The Solar.

Conor Gallagher Falls asleep on the bench all through England’s 1- team stage get in opposition to Iran. In no way wakes up.

Mason Mount Stays up until eventually 4am right before a knockout tie with Senegal hoping to do Wordle. Is visibly fatigued and subbed soon after 20 minutes.

Declan Rice So anxious to be taking part in in a Planet Cup he vomits on the ref and is despatched off for violent carry out.

Jordan Henderson Determined for a put up-match drink, Jordan commences building his own residence brew in the hotel bogs. The resulting grog poisons Kalvin Phillips. Branded a ‘proper English lad’ by The Sunshine.

Kalvin Phillips Offered the critical shits by Jordan Henderson’s moonshine. But retains it off the pitch, contrary to the leftie Lineker.

Phil Foden Attempts to get ‘peace and love’ shaved into his hair in Arabic but as a joke, the barber places ‘Death to the West’ rather.

Jack Grealish Attempts to rest ahead of the tournament with a spray tan which goes horribly incorrect. Spends the full team levels on the bench wearing a balaclava.

James Maddison Soon after failing to get a foul for a obvious dive in the box, a process-performing Maddison carries on to lie on the turf for the rest of the initially 50 %.

Raheem Sterling Following scoring from Croatia, Raheem namesearches himself on Twitter. One particular consumer points out he operates with his arms by his sides ‘like a T-Rex’. A spat ensues, hurtful opinions are exchanged, and Raheem is canceled.

Callum Wilson Stunned to be provided, Wilson begins referring to the other players as ‘Sir’ and the coaching personnel as ‘Your Majesty’. Sparks class war.

Harry Kane For the duration of extra time in opposition to Uruguay, he remembers his CBeebies bedtime story he read not too long ago and operates whole-pelt into a hoarding.

Bukayo Saka Right after a sequence of man of the match performances, accidentally sings Queen as a substitute of King in the nationwide anthem. Branded a ‘treasonous, England-hating lout’ by The Each day Mail.

Marcus Rashford Through a nervy shootout with Spain, Marcus buries his place kick demons by scoring his have penalty. Then undoes his good operate by insisting on taking – and scoring – all 5 of the Spanish penalties as well. England removed.

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