Kids may say the darndest things, but parents tweet about them in the funniest ways. To that end, every week we round up the most hilarious quips from parents on Twitter to spread the joy.
Scroll down to read the latest batch, and follow @HPUKParents on Twitter for more!
My 7 yo just asked ME when was his birthdate. I told him his birthday and the exact time of birth.
Him: you know too much of my personal business.
— Princess| Household Wellness (@themultiplemom) November 5, 2022
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 8, 2022
The funniest thing that’s ever happened to me as a parent is once my 2yo was having a full on meltdown and accidentally kicked an electronic toy dinosaur and it went “Can you feed me?” and my son, through massive sobs, goes “no I can’t right now, dinosaur” and continued screaming
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) November 7, 2022
Yesterday at the zoo I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing the scary animal species called other kids
— Vinod Chhaproo (@Chhapiness) November 7, 2022
I gave my toddler my phone for a minute and now I have 254 photos of her ear to delete
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 9, 2022
I just gained 30 minutes to myself by betting my kid she couldn’t sneeze without closing her eyes. Follow me for more eye-opening parenting tips
— mom mom mom mom mom (@notmythirdrodeo) November 7, 2022
The fact that my 8 year old farted in my face RIGHT after I told him that I’d had a terrible day has me thinking that all those fairytales about parents leaving their kids in the woods may have actually been true stories.
— Arianna Bradford (@thearibradford) November 7, 2022
Picked up my son and his girlfriend last night and asked what they wanted to listen to and she said Fleetwood Mac. Is 14 too early to plan the wedding?
— Sweet Momissa (@sweetmomissa) November 7, 2022
My son has a dentist appointment at 2.30pm tomorrow. At only 17 he has already achieved the dental joke dream I’ve been striving to reach for 46 years.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) November 7, 2022
My daughter just cried during a Christmas commercial and then asked “Why do they do that?”
Welcome to commercialism, kiddo.
— McDad (@mcdadstuff) November 7, 2022
I offered my son a butter cookie and he tried it, said he didn’t like it at all, at the whole thing and asked for three more
— mean things I say to myself (@meantomyself) November 6, 2022
Parents to their first born: don’t hurt yourself
Parents to their last born: try not to kill yourself
— Real Life Mommy (@reallifemommy3) November 7, 2022
"Time is a human construct." I wrote on my kid’s school tardy excuse.
— Brock (@Brock_Teee) November 9, 2022
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
4yo: *blows whistle again*
— meghan (@deloisivete) November 7, 2022
my six year old wanted me to pretend to be her mom and i said “i am your mom” and she said “but like, a cool young fun mom”
im glad i tore up my body to birth her just to get shredded to pieces like that
— That Mom Tho (@mom_tho) November 9, 2022
Nothing prepared me for the stage where I’d randomly turn around to find my 1yo crouching Gollum-style on the table, eating his siblings leftovers as if I never feed him.
— Raw Motherhood (@MetteAngerhofer) November 7, 2022
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
— A Bearer Of Dad News (@HomeWithPeanut) November 9, 2022
I wish my 5yo could tell me something without saying “daddy, can I tell you something?”
— Kevin The Dad (@kevinthedad) November 7, 2022
Sometimes my 6yo surprises me with her maturity and other times she gets mad at her hot chocolate for being hot.
— Snarky Mommy (@SnarkyMommy78) November 9, 2022
Took my 9yo to school. I don’t usually get to. I said bye but she walked straight in. No word, no hug, not even a wave. That’s weird, I thought. Had I upset her? That evening I asked if she was ok and she really opened up and admitted that she thought I was “really embarrassing”
— three time dad (@threetimedaddy) November 9, 2022
Some days I can’t imagine life without my husband, other days he pops open a can of soda immediately after I’ve rocked the baby to sleep.
— One Awkward Mom (@oneawkwardmom) November 10, 2022
My 8yo in a white shirt with a pomegranate and voil! Tie-dye
— Daddy Go Fish (@daddygofish) November 9, 2022
Dads, on vacation: I wonder how much rain we got at home.
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) November 5, 2022
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) November 7, 2022
A mom friend texted me AT 9PM to see if I wanted to go for a drink THAT SAME NIGHT so I guess she’s on drugs
— I Hide From My Kids (@IHideFromMyKids) November 10, 2022
Before becoming a parent I didn’t know I could ruin someone’s life by providing them with food, water, juice, clothes, entertainment and shelter for free.
— Dadman Walking (@dadmann_walking) November 8, 2022